Firstly, the weather here in Lamoni has been too sane the last 3 days I've been here, which in a way is in fact insane, because I was pretty sure it would be snowing blizzards by the dozens by now! (Sorry Alaska!) However, i am grateful, because the warmer weather here reminds of what I had for a while in Baltimore, which was amazing.
So today was the second day of classes. I'm only at 13 credit hours this semester, so things should definitely be calmer (hopefully), and perhaps a little less stressful. I have a nice schedule, and have a solid one-hour work shift at the receptionist desk each week-something's better than nothing by a long shot.
When I flew back to Graceland this past sunday, I had no idea if I was going to stay or not, and honestly, I don't think I really cared. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Graceland University is a wonderful, happy place, but it's not the only place a woman can get a decent postsecondary education. However, I am glad to be back with my bestest friends on campus, the wonderful sisters and women on my hall, and starting new classes. Hopefully something will spark inside of me that will either comfort me, or give me a perspective on things and a hint of what I am meant to do. I am the type of person, and perhaps part of me really is OCD, who absolutely has to have a solidly concrete (yes, redundancy) plan and everything to be laid out. When uncertainty breaches its ugly little head in my life, and even the tiniest bit, it throws me completely off balance, and I guess that's what the Devil wants.
I'm looking for a new experience this semester. It's different here without Ashly B., but I want her to know that my thoughts and prayers will always be with her no matter what.
Sometimes I think that it really sucks to be so far from home in Baltimore City. First of all, church here is nothing like what pastor Jeff gave us at the PowerHouse, but then again, nothing is like how we do services at the PowerHouse. And being out here in Lamoni, Iowa, I think I am missing things. I don't get to go to court to watch Reuben Dunn go down in flames, I don't get to hang out with friends back home, and video calling on facebook has to suffice for having face to face conversations with family back home.
But ya know what? God's got something in store. I know it. :) For He's already done wonders. :)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Decisions Decisions!
Oh sometimes I wish I could make up my purely indecisive, supremely perfectionist mind up a little more efficiently. It's about time I be the woman I am, and that means...wait, what does that mean exactly?
See, that's just it for me. I need to have things an exact way. Very bad habit, I know. But for me, it's not just some bad habit or whatever, it's just the way I am. Issues that are minor to you may be a big deal to me because when something is not functioning properly or is out of the norm, it's a little bit more difficult to adjust to sometimes.
I need plans for everything I do. I'm rarely ever a spontaneous person.
I really wish I knew what it really was that I wanted to do. My whole life, I've grown up here in Baltimore, and I was born at John Hopkins Hospital. I also spend quite a decent amount of time there. Anyway, I have always dreamed of being a doctor. I even surpassed everyone's expectations of becoming a teenage babymamma with no education, like more than half of everyone here. But I knew that was going to be my life, and since I had a plan, I knew enough to not even venture into dangerous situations.
I graduated Valedictorian of Mervo class of 2011and planned on entering Graceland University full on, double-majoring in Chemistry and Biology as a super-strong pre-med program. I wanted the brst route possible, but I also joined 11 different extracurricular activites and didn't have my head screwed on properly most of the time. I'm lucky I knew my name. As you can imagine, with chemistry being the class that took the most time, the most dedication, and the hardest work, I fell drastically behind (even with Kari's help) because I just couldn't keep up. I couldn't understand anything, and I think part of the reason I stopped trying in the end was because yes, I was giving up on myself, but I think part of me was starting to realize that I was not as skilled a chemist as I wanted to be, or that I thought I was. So I blew that.
People seem to have their own plans, or their thoughts of what I should do, and it's never that I don't value other opinions, especially when I can't make up my own mind, it's just that I have always dreamed of becoming a doctor. But I can't be there without chemistry, and I have come to accept that chemistry and I will not get along the way we did when I was in high school. So some people think I should be a nurse instead, and I appreciate the thoughts. And I'm not saying that anything is wrong with nursing, but I have realized my dream and I feel like becoming a nurse is settling. I don't want to settle! So I decided to major in health, and minor in human services for the time I'm at Graceland University. Then I would retake chemistry, somehow, online or whatever, to just prepare for the MCAT.
But life never goes as planned, and I guess I need to start learning that. but now I'm worried about my future, all because I don't have a solid plan. I'm crazy for this. I also know that tons of people are counting on me being at Graceland, but the travel expenses are deep and as much as I hate to admit this, it's hard on me to be so far away. So who knows if I'll even stay at Graceland. But I hate to think of the chaos this might cause.
I guess it's also time for me to keep a better ear for what God is telling me.
See, that's just it for me. I need to have things an exact way. Very bad habit, I know. But for me, it's not just some bad habit or whatever, it's just the way I am. Issues that are minor to you may be a big deal to me because when something is not functioning properly or is out of the norm, it's a little bit more difficult to adjust to sometimes.
I need plans for everything I do. I'm rarely ever a spontaneous person.
I really wish I knew what it really was that I wanted to do. My whole life, I've grown up here in Baltimore, and I was born at John Hopkins Hospital. I also spend quite a decent amount of time there. Anyway, I have always dreamed of being a doctor. I even surpassed everyone's expectations of becoming a teenage babymamma with no education, like more than half of everyone here. But I knew that was going to be my life, and since I had a plan, I knew enough to not even venture into dangerous situations.
I graduated Valedictorian of Mervo class of 2011and planned on entering Graceland University full on, double-majoring in Chemistry and Biology as a super-strong pre-med program. I wanted the brst route possible, but I also joined 11 different extracurricular activites and didn't have my head screwed on properly most of the time. I'm lucky I knew my name. As you can imagine, with chemistry being the class that took the most time, the most dedication, and the hardest work, I fell drastically behind (even with Kari's help) because I just couldn't keep up. I couldn't understand anything, and I think part of the reason I stopped trying in the end was because yes, I was giving up on myself, but I think part of me was starting to realize that I was not as skilled a chemist as I wanted to be, or that I thought I was. So I blew that.
People seem to have their own plans, or their thoughts of what I should do, and it's never that I don't value other opinions, especially when I can't make up my own mind, it's just that I have always dreamed of becoming a doctor. But I can't be there without chemistry, and I have come to accept that chemistry and I will not get along the way we did when I was in high school. So some people think I should be a nurse instead, and I appreciate the thoughts. And I'm not saying that anything is wrong with nursing, but I have realized my dream and I feel like becoming a nurse is settling. I don't want to settle! So I decided to major in health, and minor in human services for the time I'm at Graceland University. Then I would retake chemistry, somehow, online or whatever, to just prepare for the MCAT.
But life never goes as planned, and I guess I need to start learning that. but now I'm worried about my future, all because I don't have a solid plan. I'm crazy for this. I also know that tons of people are counting on me being at Graceland, but the travel expenses are deep and as much as I hate to admit this, it's hard on me to be so far away. So who knows if I'll even stay at Graceland. But I hate to think of the chaos this might cause.
I guess it's also time for me to keep a better ear for what God is telling me.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Oh that mind o'mine!
Sometimes I don't understand why things happen period. Not just why the happen the way they do, but overall I suppose. Like, why am I up right now typing my first blogpost on this site? It was like something inside of me went off and prompted me to write my thoughts. And so here I am. Maybe I'm using this to explore my so-called gift for words. That's what I've heard people tell me, for years now. I know I seem to have this gift, this talent, this way of expressing my innermost thoughts and feelings that I would not do otherwise.
I've been making plans for my future. My whole life, I've been making plans for my future. I think when you're born, God may not have your whole entire life planned out piece by piece, but he knows what's best for you and there has to be at least an outline. Since early elementary school, I've known that I was blessed, even through my daily situations. You see, I have known for as long as I can remember, that I was going to be a doctor someday. I'm sure some people reading this will think nursing would the right path for me, and maybe they're right. Howveer, I have a plan, to which nursing is a backup. I will continue on at Graceland to major in health, minor in both religion and human services, retake chemistry later on, take and succeed on the MCAT, and graduate from medical school with a focus in either neurology, public health, or pediatrics. I WILL be successful. I want to save lives, I want to be a hero, I want to change so many things.
Sometimes, I wish I could change my life without watching the world change around me. I've had so much security in my church family, of which I'm sure are reading this, and now it seems that there's this gaping hole of what ifs, or things that might be happening. Nothing will ever change how I feel about any of them, especially not the Anderson family themselves, but I got so used to a certain way of doing things and even though I've been away at Graceland for months, I had this image of what congregation I would come home to. Well I'll tell ya something, It's not the same without Pastor Jeff, that's for sure. Looking at some of the things he has dealt with and the people he has saved and helped, the things he has seen, it makes me appreciate everything that him and his family has done even more. So ending all the super sad stuff, I will pray about this andhope that things aren't this tumultuous by summer time, middle of may for me.
I know I want to be a doctor. I know that much. But I seem to be easily impressionable when it comes to what interests me, and I know I have a passion for medical healing, but what if I also have a passion for writing? I mean, I am obviously pouring out myself into this thing that perhaps no one will read.
But at least I'm typing it.
I've been making plans for my future. My whole life, I've been making plans for my future. I think when you're born, God may not have your whole entire life planned out piece by piece, but he knows what's best for you and there has to be at least an outline. Since early elementary school, I've known that I was blessed, even through my daily situations. You see, I have known for as long as I can remember, that I was going to be a doctor someday. I'm sure some people reading this will think nursing would the right path for me, and maybe they're right. Howveer, I have a plan, to which nursing is a backup. I will continue on at Graceland to major in health, minor in both religion and human services, retake chemistry later on, take and succeed on the MCAT, and graduate from medical school with a focus in either neurology, public health, or pediatrics. I WILL be successful. I want to save lives, I want to be a hero, I want to change so many things.
Sometimes, I wish I could change my life without watching the world change around me. I've had so much security in my church family, of which I'm sure are reading this, and now it seems that there's this gaping hole of what ifs, or things that might be happening. Nothing will ever change how I feel about any of them, especially not the Anderson family themselves, but I got so used to a certain way of doing things and even though I've been away at Graceland for months, I had this image of what congregation I would come home to. Well I'll tell ya something, It's not the same without Pastor Jeff, that's for sure. Looking at some of the things he has dealt with and the people he has saved and helped, the things he has seen, it makes me appreciate everything that him and his family has done even more. So ending all the super sad stuff, I will pray about this andhope that things aren't this tumultuous by summer time, middle of may for me.
I know I want to be a doctor. I know that much. But I seem to be easily impressionable when it comes to what interests me, and I know I have a passion for medical healing, but what if I also have a passion for writing? I mean, I am obviously pouring out myself into this thing that perhaps no one will read.
But at least I'm typing it.
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