The following is an actual letter that I wrote to God while I was distracted from tonight's reading for classes...
Dear God,
It's not often that I have the guts to write or even publicly speak to you. It is not that I ever forget, it is just that sometimes I do not know how or what i want to say. Right now I feel like my relationship with you is so distant or strained because of some of the things I have done, said, and how some of your followers have interpreted your word. I just want to know what it is you want me to do right now. How am I supposed to follow you? That seems like a stupid question, especially in a position of spiritual leadership, but it is a major hole in my life right now. What exactly is right, and what exactly is wrong? What makes me a good Christian, what makes me good enough to follow you? If I ever decide to go out and have fun or party just once, does that make a bad person or a bad follower? Sometimes I feel like I have given up so much, and I have seen some of work pay off, I feel like I can never get closer to the answers I need or want from you. It seems right now that I am full of questions and what I am needing is answers! It is true that I have a lot to work on in my life and inside of me, and I am so grateful to you for already allowing me to have such wonderful people and support in my life. That is truly amazing. I hope to strengthen my life with you through this Lent season. I hope to rid myself of anxieties that hurt me, and to be healed through my faith in you.
A lost follower,
Crystal.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
The Good Life
So it's going on the third week here at Graceland. It actually feels like it has been three weeks here. I guess at times it feels different, depending on stress and such. And honestly, life has been so freaking good. My luck was really bad for a minute there, but I prayed and God turned it right around for me. He does things like that. And, I have my plans for not only Spring Break planned out, I have my drive home in May planned too! Solidity and stability means so much to me. :)
Still having a little trouble getting textbooks, but my friends have been real generous about letting me borrow theirs. It's working for the most part, but could never beat having my own. And actually my funds are on the way. I know my grandmother is doing her best, and I appreciate her efforts more than ever.
So far I've had nothing in late, I've been on time or early to every class, and have taken one extra one-hour shift at the desk. The other day, I finally got refunded for the junk tv Amazon sent me, so I went to Wal-Mart and got a brand new Emerson 32 inch. It's wonderful, and seems perfectly huge in my dorm room. Now I'm just waiting on Damon to hear back from his old room mate, and I'll have a mini fridge.
My mom says my care package is on the way. Boy, that makes me excited. I like care packages, because my mail box gets real lonely except for campus ministries and CCLP mail, and the occasionally annoying graceland accounts mail.
I have just been loving life lately. And I know that God is giving me strength and courage to be so joyful and to praise him so. Which is extra special because if he had not sent Jesus to be by my side right now, I would be so caught up in the chaos that is my church life. Back home, I'm not sure what's going on, since Pastor Jeff has been sick and they're looking for someone to come be PowerHouse pastor. Well, maybe I wasn't supposed to say that, but everyone knows that anyway. It's still sad though, because I think Pastor Jeff spoiled us in a way; we had/have it so good there. I've visited other congregations, and even what we have here on Campus at GU is NOTHING like the PowerHouse. We are/were truly a unique congregation with Pastor Jeff. One thing that worries me is: what is it going to be like now? How different will it be in May when I return? But I guess in a way, being in such a warm, welcoming, close knit congregation, it shielded me from seeing just how crooked or messed up some people, no matter how churchy or Jesus-y they are, you can really some of their real colors, and they aren't at all what you expect them to be. I know everyone has their faults and I am not here to judge, its just that when you see people one way, it's hard to see them the same when they've lost your trust. It's like church life is flipped upside dowm right now. There's so many things we've got to figure out, as a congregation, as a mission center, as a community in whole. And another question that sometimes plagues me is: why is it hard for us to stay on the path with Jesus, even in the position of leadership in our church?
I've had some confusion dripping from last semester. Like, I failed advanced chemistry, and that was only the beginning course. I then realized I could never be a doctor or go to med school, and after realizing my dream was crushed, it took some soul searching, the advice of a beloved mentor/best friend/ mother figure, and a meeting with a counselor, then a career counselor, to help me realize that my one true dream was to heal, to help people, to make things better. I can still be in medicine, I can still take care of sick people, and I will be working with infants. I will be a NICU nurse, which is one thing I wanted in the first place, but I strayed away from it. Besides, nurses do more hands on work and make a true difference, and I have always wanted that for my life. I still am passionate about a lot of things, but when it comes down to it, my hands were meant to heal and my heart to love, just as Jesus did. I'll complete all my prerequisit classes here at GU, and after the end of my sophmore year, I'll be transferring back home to University of Maryland School Of Nursing. That way I can get a job, save for my own apartment or car, and be in the area I long to be in anyway, That means I don't have to fulfill GU graduation requirements, which means I don't have to spend my winters here, and that makes me extra happy. I know some people don't support me leaving GU, but it's my life and my career, and I don't care about any other input unless it's helpful. And so far, people have been very much so, but then again, those people are my friends, and not my elders, who might have a totally different opinion.
One more thing, court is coming up on the 28th of this month. I'm so nervous about it. I don't know much about it, but I know it has to do with Reuben Dunn, and I want him to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. I want closure for my friends, for Courtney and Emerald's families, I want things to be better. I want wounds to begin to heal. God, I know you got this. ! I pray so much so us all, and especially the Angeles family who have just siffered another tragic loss. Lord, when willl the loss and sorrow end, and the rainbows begin?
Please God, I know you got this!
Still having a little trouble getting textbooks, but my friends have been real generous about letting me borrow theirs. It's working for the most part, but could never beat having my own. And actually my funds are on the way. I know my grandmother is doing her best, and I appreciate her efforts more than ever.
So far I've had nothing in late, I've been on time or early to every class, and have taken one extra one-hour shift at the desk. The other day, I finally got refunded for the junk tv Amazon sent me, so I went to Wal-Mart and got a brand new Emerson 32 inch. It's wonderful, and seems perfectly huge in my dorm room. Now I'm just waiting on Damon to hear back from his old room mate, and I'll have a mini fridge.
My mom says my care package is on the way. Boy, that makes me excited. I like care packages, because my mail box gets real lonely except for campus ministries and CCLP mail, and the occasionally annoying graceland accounts mail.
I have just been loving life lately. And I know that God is giving me strength and courage to be so joyful and to praise him so. Which is extra special because if he had not sent Jesus to be by my side right now, I would be so caught up in the chaos that is my church life. Back home, I'm not sure what's going on, since Pastor Jeff has been sick and they're looking for someone to come be PowerHouse pastor. Well, maybe I wasn't supposed to say that, but everyone knows that anyway. It's still sad though, because I think Pastor Jeff spoiled us in a way; we had/have it so good there. I've visited other congregations, and even what we have here on Campus at GU is NOTHING like the PowerHouse. We are/were truly a unique congregation with Pastor Jeff. One thing that worries me is: what is it going to be like now? How different will it be in May when I return? But I guess in a way, being in such a warm, welcoming, close knit congregation, it shielded me from seeing just how crooked or messed up some people, no matter how churchy or Jesus-y they are, you can really some of their real colors, and they aren't at all what you expect them to be. I know everyone has their faults and I am not here to judge, its just that when you see people one way, it's hard to see them the same when they've lost your trust. It's like church life is flipped upside dowm right now. There's so many things we've got to figure out, as a congregation, as a mission center, as a community in whole. And another question that sometimes plagues me is: why is it hard for us to stay on the path with Jesus, even in the position of leadership in our church?
I've had some confusion dripping from last semester. Like, I failed advanced chemistry, and that was only the beginning course. I then realized I could never be a doctor or go to med school, and after realizing my dream was crushed, it took some soul searching, the advice of a beloved mentor/best friend/ mother figure, and a meeting with a counselor, then a career counselor, to help me realize that my one true dream was to heal, to help people, to make things better. I can still be in medicine, I can still take care of sick people, and I will be working with infants. I will be a NICU nurse, which is one thing I wanted in the first place, but I strayed away from it. Besides, nurses do more hands on work and make a true difference, and I have always wanted that for my life. I still am passionate about a lot of things, but when it comes down to it, my hands were meant to heal and my heart to love, just as Jesus did. I'll complete all my prerequisit classes here at GU, and after the end of my sophmore year, I'll be transferring back home to University of Maryland School Of Nursing. That way I can get a job, save for my own apartment or car, and be in the area I long to be in anyway, That means I don't have to fulfill GU graduation requirements, which means I don't have to spend my winters here, and that makes me extra happy. I know some people don't support me leaving GU, but it's my life and my career, and I don't care about any other input unless it's helpful. And so far, people have been very much so, but then again, those people are my friends, and not my elders, who might have a totally different opinion.
One more thing, court is coming up on the 28th of this month. I'm so nervous about it. I don't know much about it, but I know it has to do with Reuben Dunn, and I want him to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. I want closure for my friends, for Courtney and Emerald's families, I want things to be better. I want wounds to begin to heal. God, I know you got this. ! I pray so much so us all, and especially the Angeles family who have just siffered another tragic loss. Lord, when willl the loss and sorrow end, and the rainbows begin?
Please God, I know you got this!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sane Spring
Firstly, the weather here in Lamoni has been too sane the last 3 days I've been here, which in a way is in fact insane, because I was pretty sure it would be snowing blizzards by the dozens by now! (Sorry Alaska!) However, i am grateful, because the warmer weather here reminds of what I had for a while in Baltimore, which was amazing.
So today was the second day of classes. I'm only at 13 credit hours this semester, so things should definitely be calmer (hopefully), and perhaps a little less stressful. I have a nice schedule, and have a solid one-hour work shift at the receptionist desk each week-something's better than nothing by a long shot.
When I flew back to Graceland this past sunday, I had no idea if I was going to stay or not, and honestly, I don't think I really cared. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Graceland University is a wonderful, happy place, but it's not the only place a woman can get a decent postsecondary education. However, I am glad to be back with my bestest friends on campus, the wonderful sisters and women on my hall, and starting new classes. Hopefully something will spark inside of me that will either comfort me, or give me a perspective on things and a hint of what I am meant to do. I am the type of person, and perhaps part of me really is OCD, who absolutely has to have a solidly concrete (yes, redundancy) plan and everything to be laid out. When uncertainty breaches its ugly little head in my life, and even the tiniest bit, it throws me completely off balance, and I guess that's what the Devil wants.
I'm looking for a new experience this semester. It's different here without Ashly B., but I want her to know that my thoughts and prayers will always be with her no matter what.
Sometimes I think that it really sucks to be so far from home in Baltimore City. First of all, church here is nothing like what pastor Jeff gave us at the PowerHouse, but then again, nothing is like how we do services at the PowerHouse. And being out here in Lamoni, Iowa, I think I am missing things. I don't get to go to court to watch Reuben Dunn go down in flames, I don't get to hang out with friends back home, and video calling on facebook has to suffice for having face to face conversations with family back home.
But ya know what? God's got something in store. I know it. :) For He's already done wonders. :)
So today was the second day of classes. I'm only at 13 credit hours this semester, so things should definitely be calmer (hopefully), and perhaps a little less stressful. I have a nice schedule, and have a solid one-hour work shift at the receptionist desk each week-something's better than nothing by a long shot.
When I flew back to Graceland this past sunday, I had no idea if I was going to stay or not, and honestly, I don't think I really cared. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Graceland University is a wonderful, happy place, but it's not the only place a woman can get a decent postsecondary education. However, I am glad to be back with my bestest friends on campus, the wonderful sisters and women on my hall, and starting new classes. Hopefully something will spark inside of me that will either comfort me, or give me a perspective on things and a hint of what I am meant to do. I am the type of person, and perhaps part of me really is OCD, who absolutely has to have a solidly concrete (yes, redundancy) plan and everything to be laid out. When uncertainty breaches its ugly little head in my life, and even the tiniest bit, it throws me completely off balance, and I guess that's what the Devil wants.
I'm looking for a new experience this semester. It's different here without Ashly B., but I want her to know that my thoughts and prayers will always be with her no matter what.
Sometimes I think that it really sucks to be so far from home in Baltimore City. First of all, church here is nothing like what pastor Jeff gave us at the PowerHouse, but then again, nothing is like how we do services at the PowerHouse. And being out here in Lamoni, Iowa, I think I am missing things. I don't get to go to court to watch Reuben Dunn go down in flames, I don't get to hang out with friends back home, and video calling on facebook has to suffice for having face to face conversations with family back home.
But ya know what? God's got something in store. I know it. :) For He's already done wonders. :)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Decisions Decisions!
Oh sometimes I wish I could make up my purely indecisive, supremely perfectionist mind up a little more efficiently. It's about time I be the woman I am, and that means...wait, what does that mean exactly?
See, that's just it for me. I need to have things an exact way. Very bad habit, I know. But for me, it's not just some bad habit or whatever, it's just the way I am. Issues that are minor to you may be a big deal to me because when something is not functioning properly or is out of the norm, it's a little bit more difficult to adjust to sometimes.
I need plans for everything I do. I'm rarely ever a spontaneous person.
I really wish I knew what it really was that I wanted to do. My whole life, I've grown up here in Baltimore, and I was born at John Hopkins Hospital. I also spend quite a decent amount of time there. Anyway, I have always dreamed of being a doctor. I even surpassed everyone's expectations of becoming a teenage babymamma with no education, like more than half of everyone here. But I knew that was going to be my life, and since I had a plan, I knew enough to not even venture into dangerous situations.
I graduated Valedictorian of Mervo class of 2011and planned on entering Graceland University full on, double-majoring in Chemistry and Biology as a super-strong pre-med program. I wanted the brst route possible, but I also joined 11 different extracurricular activites and didn't have my head screwed on properly most of the time. I'm lucky I knew my name. As you can imagine, with chemistry being the class that took the most time, the most dedication, and the hardest work, I fell drastically behind (even with Kari's help) because I just couldn't keep up. I couldn't understand anything, and I think part of the reason I stopped trying in the end was because yes, I was giving up on myself, but I think part of me was starting to realize that I was not as skilled a chemist as I wanted to be, or that I thought I was. So I blew that.
People seem to have their own plans, or their thoughts of what I should do, and it's never that I don't value other opinions, especially when I can't make up my own mind, it's just that I have always dreamed of becoming a doctor. But I can't be there without chemistry, and I have come to accept that chemistry and I will not get along the way we did when I was in high school. So some people think I should be a nurse instead, and I appreciate the thoughts. And I'm not saying that anything is wrong with nursing, but I have realized my dream and I feel like becoming a nurse is settling. I don't want to settle! So I decided to major in health, and minor in human services for the time I'm at Graceland University. Then I would retake chemistry, somehow, online or whatever, to just prepare for the MCAT.
But life never goes as planned, and I guess I need to start learning that. but now I'm worried about my future, all because I don't have a solid plan. I'm crazy for this. I also know that tons of people are counting on me being at Graceland, but the travel expenses are deep and as much as I hate to admit this, it's hard on me to be so far away. So who knows if I'll even stay at Graceland. But I hate to think of the chaos this might cause.
I guess it's also time for me to keep a better ear for what God is telling me.
See, that's just it for me. I need to have things an exact way. Very bad habit, I know. But for me, it's not just some bad habit or whatever, it's just the way I am. Issues that are minor to you may be a big deal to me because when something is not functioning properly or is out of the norm, it's a little bit more difficult to adjust to sometimes.
I need plans for everything I do. I'm rarely ever a spontaneous person.
I really wish I knew what it really was that I wanted to do. My whole life, I've grown up here in Baltimore, and I was born at John Hopkins Hospital. I also spend quite a decent amount of time there. Anyway, I have always dreamed of being a doctor. I even surpassed everyone's expectations of becoming a teenage babymamma with no education, like more than half of everyone here. But I knew that was going to be my life, and since I had a plan, I knew enough to not even venture into dangerous situations.
I graduated Valedictorian of Mervo class of 2011and planned on entering Graceland University full on, double-majoring in Chemistry and Biology as a super-strong pre-med program. I wanted the brst route possible, but I also joined 11 different extracurricular activites and didn't have my head screwed on properly most of the time. I'm lucky I knew my name. As you can imagine, with chemistry being the class that took the most time, the most dedication, and the hardest work, I fell drastically behind (even with Kari's help) because I just couldn't keep up. I couldn't understand anything, and I think part of the reason I stopped trying in the end was because yes, I was giving up on myself, but I think part of me was starting to realize that I was not as skilled a chemist as I wanted to be, or that I thought I was. So I blew that.
People seem to have their own plans, or their thoughts of what I should do, and it's never that I don't value other opinions, especially when I can't make up my own mind, it's just that I have always dreamed of becoming a doctor. But I can't be there without chemistry, and I have come to accept that chemistry and I will not get along the way we did when I was in high school. So some people think I should be a nurse instead, and I appreciate the thoughts. And I'm not saying that anything is wrong with nursing, but I have realized my dream and I feel like becoming a nurse is settling. I don't want to settle! So I decided to major in health, and minor in human services for the time I'm at Graceland University. Then I would retake chemistry, somehow, online or whatever, to just prepare for the MCAT.
But life never goes as planned, and I guess I need to start learning that. but now I'm worried about my future, all because I don't have a solid plan. I'm crazy for this. I also know that tons of people are counting on me being at Graceland, but the travel expenses are deep and as much as I hate to admit this, it's hard on me to be so far away. So who knows if I'll even stay at Graceland. But I hate to think of the chaos this might cause.
I guess it's also time for me to keep a better ear for what God is telling me.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Oh that mind o'mine!
Sometimes I don't understand why things happen period. Not just why the happen the way they do, but overall I suppose. Like, why am I up right now typing my first blogpost on this site? It was like something inside of me went off and prompted me to write my thoughts. And so here I am. Maybe I'm using this to explore my so-called gift for words. That's what I've heard people tell me, for years now. I know I seem to have this gift, this talent, this way of expressing my innermost thoughts and feelings that I would not do otherwise.
I've been making plans for my future. My whole life, I've been making plans for my future. I think when you're born, God may not have your whole entire life planned out piece by piece, but he knows what's best for you and there has to be at least an outline. Since early elementary school, I've known that I was blessed, even through my daily situations. You see, I have known for as long as I can remember, that I was going to be a doctor someday. I'm sure some people reading this will think nursing would the right path for me, and maybe they're right. Howveer, I have a plan, to which nursing is a backup. I will continue on at Graceland to major in health, minor in both religion and human services, retake chemistry later on, take and succeed on the MCAT, and graduate from medical school with a focus in either neurology, public health, or pediatrics. I WILL be successful. I want to save lives, I want to be a hero, I want to change so many things.
Sometimes, I wish I could change my life without watching the world change around me. I've had so much security in my church family, of which I'm sure are reading this, and now it seems that there's this gaping hole of what ifs, or things that might be happening. Nothing will ever change how I feel about any of them, especially not the Anderson family themselves, but I got so used to a certain way of doing things and even though I've been away at Graceland for months, I had this image of what congregation I would come home to. Well I'll tell ya something, It's not the same without Pastor Jeff, that's for sure. Looking at some of the things he has dealt with and the people he has saved and helped, the things he has seen, it makes me appreciate everything that him and his family has done even more. So ending all the super sad stuff, I will pray about this andhope that things aren't this tumultuous by summer time, middle of may for me.
I know I want to be a doctor. I know that much. But I seem to be easily impressionable when it comes to what interests me, and I know I have a passion for medical healing, but what if I also have a passion for writing? I mean, I am obviously pouring out myself into this thing that perhaps no one will read.
But at least I'm typing it.
I've been making plans for my future. My whole life, I've been making plans for my future. I think when you're born, God may not have your whole entire life planned out piece by piece, but he knows what's best for you and there has to be at least an outline. Since early elementary school, I've known that I was blessed, even through my daily situations. You see, I have known for as long as I can remember, that I was going to be a doctor someday. I'm sure some people reading this will think nursing would the right path for me, and maybe they're right. Howveer, I have a plan, to which nursing is a backup. I will continue on at Graceland to major in health, minor in both religion and human services, retake chemistry later on, take and succeed on the MCAT, and graduate from medical school with a focus in either neurology, public health, or pediatrics. I WILL be successful. I want to save lives, I want to be a hero, I want to change so many things.
Sometimes, I wish I could change my life without watching the world change around me. I've had so much security in my church family, of which I'm sure are reading this, and now it seems that there's this gaping hole of what ifs, or things that might be happening. Nothing will ever change how I feel about any of them, especially not the Anderson family themselves, but I got so used to a certain way of doing things and even though I've been away at Graceland for months, I had this image of what congregation I would come home to. Well I'll tell ya something, It's not the same without Pastor Jeff, that's for sure. Looking at some of the things he has dealt with and the people he has saved and helped, the things he has seen, it makes me appreciate everything that him and his family has done even more. So ending all the super sad stuff, I will pray about this andhope that things aren't this tumultuous by summer time, middle of may for me.
I know I want to be a doctor. I know that much. But I seem to be easily impressionable when it comes to what interests me, and I know I have a passion for medical healing, but what if I also have a passion for writing? I mean, I am obviously pouring out myself into this thing that perhaps no one will read.
But at least I'm typing it.
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